Ten Ways to Thoroughly Depress Yourself

Start with a dreary day, preferably one that's bitingly cold or oppressively sticky and hot for best results.

Don't bother to put on clothes; stay in your pajamas. I find that if I don't get dressed in the morning, especially when I'm sick, that can pretty much ensure a bout of the blues by midday. Don't dress the kids either if you can avoid it; happy, energetic kids will kill a depression. Better to have them as lethargic as you are.

Have something with loads of sugar as early as possible. That way, you'll have just enough energy to do what you absolutely must - like getting the kids out to school - but then you'll have that lovely sugar crash. The more sugar you've had, the harder it is to bounce back from the crash, so eat accordingly. There's also the added guilt of eating empty calories, but that only works if you've got any internal issues with your weight. If you're happy in your body, don't expect a sugar binge to help you to fix that.

Make sure you have nothing productive to do. I for one only have to leave the house for work a few days a week, so my best days for being down are the days I can stay at home.

Start a blog or create a MySpace, LiveJournal or some other such page, and then friend lock it. But don't invite anyone to come and join with you. That way if you need to add loneliness to your feeling of despair, you can just click on your page and see the glaring lack of interest in, well, you.

Talk to someone you can't stand, or at the very least, someone who will criticize you mercilessly. In-laws or parents can be great for this! Moms have really perfected this to an art-form, by the way, as have mothers-in-law (well, they are moms too, so it would stand to reason). Not married? No worries - there's always a bully somewhere close by if one only looks hard enough. Don't give up!

DO NOT leave the house, except in the case of fire or other life-threatening emergency, especially if (heaven forbid) the sun has decided to come out. This should be made easier if you've followed the first rule of not getting dressed.

Listen to sad music or watch a sad movie. Better yet, watch a show about really rich people, or someone who has things in life you will never even be able to dream of. Obviously, if you're rich and attempting to use this method, your options will be limited.

Scour the Internet aimlessly. Something about the lights and the screen just seem to kill brain cells.

Shop online! Now, it's been proven that shopping can give you a temporary mood boost, but that will only last as long as it takes for you to get that email confirming your impulse purchase! Then the guilt, and possibly fear about how you will pay for the item, will undoubtedly set in.

So if you're really intent on being an unhappy camper, some or all of these things should get you well on your way. Happy wallowing!