It's that day again

I tend to not like remembering this day. Not that I don't think it deserves remembrance, it's just painful. I don't want to think of all the lives lost. I don't want to relive the conversation I was having with my mom while I was watching Good Morning America and wondering why that plane was so close to the Tower. I hate to remember the terror of not knowing where my family members were.

But I do remember those things, vividly. As I sat at the vet today, I watched the memorial on television. I didn't cry this year; it's only taken six years to get past that.

I've never attempted to visit Ground Zero, never been able to get up the nerve. Too many ghosts there. The din would break my mind and the emotional tumult would shatter what's left of my heart. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to physically walk out of that place, if I were in fact able to walk in.

And as if the loss of life were not enough to traumatize and entire world of people, I also get a bit misty over the destruction of the buildings themselves. They were a part of so many histories...I still have trouble believing that I will never be able to take my children to the top.

I remember the first time I visited the Twin Towers, and the only time I ever went to the top. It was Thanksgiving of 1984 - I was fourteen and my brother and his wife had taken me to the parade. That was my first and last Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was too cold for my taste; watching on television has always sufficed for me.

I remember visiting a church across the street. I want to say it was the oldest in the city, but I'm not certain of that fact, nor will I go look it up. I prefer to leave the memory just as it is. There were these statues, black metal, of people in different poses: a businessman sitting on a bench reading the paper, another suited gentleman walking down the street. One statue was on the steps of the church if I recall correctly. I was caught off guard and thought a couple of them were real. I don't know if they survived the attack, and I think I'm happier not knowing for sure. Then there's hope that they did.

The top of the tower was windy and I recall the feeling of the building swaying beneath me. It did nothing to soothe my fear of heights.

Today is pretty dismal - a stark contrast to the bright sunny morning of six years ago. That was a Tuesday as well. I think the rain makes it appropriately somber.

My heart goes out to all those families who lost loved ones in the tragedy.